“You’re not coming?” Gwen asks.

Trisha shakes her head. “I don’t think it’d be a good idea.”

“But it’s you know, your kind of thing. Getting to know people, hanging out.”

“I appreciate you thinking about me, Gwen. But I don’t think I’m capable of enjoying a party right now.”

Gwen has to admit, there’s a weight in Trisha’s eyes she’s never seen there before.

She guesses she’d feel the same, if she were in love with Isaac.

Trish leans her head against a pillar. “I feel like, if I go, I’ll sit staring at the wall the whole time. Or get really drunk and start crying. I’d rather not. Have a good time for me, okay? I’ll live vicariously through you.”

“You sure you’re going to be okay?” Gwen asks. Trisha’s making her worried these days.

“I will be. Once I’ve stopped waiting around and actually done something to help Isaac.” Trish looks bitter, although maybe it’s her being angry at herself.

“Okay,” Gwen says. “You do what you need to do. Maybe we could both go to the next one?”

“There’s a next one?”

“I’ll make sure there is,” Gwen says. “I’ll knock on Yvonne’s door and make her invite everyone again. In six months or something when you’ve taken care of the Isaac problem, we’ll both be there, and we can get drunk and sing karaoke badly together.”

Trisha smiles, just a little. “Sounds nice. Okay. It’s a deal.”

“Deal. See you Monday?”

“See you Monday.”

☾

“I’m not sure I can make it,” Adrianna says.

“You’re serious?” Gwen says, a little disappointed. Adri had to drop one of their dates last week, too.

Adri bobs her head distractedly. “I wasn’t able to do yesterday’s readings for class because I was writing up reports for the Captaincy, and on top of that, the track team has a meet coming up, and I’ve only been at practice half the time. They need me.”

“I thought you were going to quit the track team?”

“I was thinking about it, but this will be the fourth year in a row they’ve taken home a prize at the competition, and I don’t want to be the one who breaks their streak. Plus, my mom reminded me, it’ll look good on my transcript.”

“Okay, but it means you miss the party.”

“Might miss. Forty, fifty percent chance I’ll be able to come by later. If I get my work done.”

Gwen pushes on her shoulder. “You said this was supposed to be time for the group members to take a break. Don’t you think you get to take a break, too?”

Adri smiles, but it’s a sad smile. “I’d like to, but that isn’t always realistic. Not for the club president.”

“Can’t you even try?” Gwen says. She’s trying not to sound bitter. “I was really hoping you’d be there.”  A few drinks might mean she gets to see Adri actually loosen up.

Adri takes her hand. “I’m definitely trying, Gwen, promise. I’ll work really hard to get all my work done as fast as possible so I can come by.  Okay?”

Gwen tries not to frown. “Okay.”

A quick kiss, a hug.

And once again Gwen’s left standing there, waving goodbye to Adrianna.

☾

“Hey! Hey, Gwen!”

Gwen’s leaving the campus and heading towards the main gate when a familiar voice calls out to her.

Gwen turns and sees Lana, changed back into a vest and jeans, waving at her.

She’s smiling so much. It’s a real, heartfelt smile.

Gwen’s heart is pounding. “Hey, Lana.”

Being around Lana makes her so nervous. She’s trying not to let it show.

“Hey!” Lana says. She holds out one of Yvonne’s crumpled flyers. “I just wanted to ask: are you going to be at Yvonne’s party tomorrow?”

It takes Gwen a second to get her wits together. “Think so. You?”

“Of course,” Lana says. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

Gwen can’t help it. Her heart lifts.

“That’s great,” Gwen says. “Really, really great. I’m glad you can make it.”

Even as she’s saying that, her stomach twists. Is it really a good idea for her to hang out with Lana? Hang out drunk with Lana?

Keep it together, Gwen. Lana’s a friend. She’s allowed to have a friend. That’s all she is, okay?

That’s all.

Lana grins at her. “I’ve never been to a party with this many people. How about you?”

“Birthday parties,” Gwen says. “Nothing as, um, interesting as this.” She guesses Lana doesn’t mind the alcohol.

“Interesting’s a good word. It’ll be fun just to goof off for a change.

“For sure,” Gwen says.

Lana hesitates. For a second, her eyes glance left and right. Then they meet Gwen’s again.

“We should hang out more,” she says. “We haven’t since just after Optimus.” Is she nervous?

“That’s true,” Gwen says. “We should.”

In spite of herself, Gwen finds herself saying it. Because it’s true. She wants to.

Gwen runs her fingers through her hair. “We haven’t just hung out and played games, or anything like that.”

“Exactly,” Lana says. “We really need to.”

“Yeah,” Gwen says. “I want to know the you who’s not just volunteering and being a big hero all the time.”

Lana smiles. “I want to get to know that me, too.”

A second passes with them just looking at each other.

“Well,” Gwen says, smiling in spite of her racing pulse, “see you at the party, huh?”

“Yeah,” Lana says, smiling back. “It’ll be great.”

Lana looks for a second like she’s about to leave.

Then, without warning, she gives Gwen a big hug.

Gwen’s breath catches in her throat. She can feel Lana’s breath on her face. Her clothes are warm.

Then Lana lets go. She waves back over her shoulder, smiling, and runs off.

For a second, warmth washes over Gwen.

And then it’s gone, replaced by this horrible dread.

She wants so badly to be excited.

She can’t shake the feeling something’s going to go horribly wrong.

☾

Yvonne’s house is a sprawling complex not far from the Parliamentary Hull. A bunch of white boxy buildings with three floors of glass windows, surrounding a central garden. Black and silver swoops make her think the architect was being modern and trendy.

Gwen’s jealous. Her family still lives in a crumbling old stone building from the Founder days.

Gwen pulls her jacket tighter around her shoulders. She’s wearing a dress, not the crappy old one her mom made her wear all those months ago, but a sky-blue one from a brand Becca recommended. She really hopes she didn’t mess up selecting it.

The chain-link fence blocks off the garden. The biggest building seems to be the way in, though.

Gwen’s trying to make sure her shoes don’t slide off her feet. At least they’re flats, not heels. She approaches the building.

She takes a deep breath, and then knocks on the door.

An old man she’s never seen before opens it. He’s dressed in severe, formal clothes.

“Your name?” he says.

“Um, Gwen Marlowe?”

The old man doesn’t even crack a smile. “Right this way, Miss Marlowe. Miss Chapman has been expecting you.”

In short order, Gwen finds herself in a huge living room, with a television built into the wall, where people are already sprawling on the white couches.

“Gwen!” Yvonne says, getting up. She’s wearing a sleeveless top and more makeup than usual. “You made it!” She gives Gwen a big hug.

Gwen can’t quite believe this. Someone’s actually happy to have her at a party.

Becca approaches, too.

“You look lovely, Gwen,” she says, and gives her a hug, too.

“Thanks,” Gwen says. “Did you help with the party?”

“Helped plan and organize.”

“Becca’s a genius at this sort of thing,” Yvonne says, leaning back toward them while getting some cans of soda out of a nearby minifridge. “Logistics and shit. I would have either gotten twice as much pizza or only half enough.”

“You can tell it isn’t my party, though, because if it was, the cups would be a whole lot better,” Becca remarks.

“Shitty plastic cups are part of the whole deal!” Yvonne declares. “How else are you going to down a whole drink at once?”

Yvonne has movies, a lot of movies, and there’s a whole stack of board games piled up on the dark wood table. It doesn’t take long for Gwen to settle in.

Pris and Gal are the next to arrive, holding hands and flirting with each other. 

“Congratulations,” Gwen says, getting up to greet them. “Nice work out there. I mean that; you guys did really, really well against Chronopath.”

“Yeah, this is kind of your party,” Becca says. “If you want to make the rest of us bow down and worship you, I’m sure we’re all on board.”

Pris blushes. Gal just looks happy.

“You should at least get to decide what game we play first,” Gwen says.

Yvonne comes up, grinning. “Do you one better: you get to pick the first two songs.”

The music’s thumping loud by the time Lana gets there. Luckily, the entrance hall is far enough away from the living room they can still hear each other talk.

“Hey, Gwen! You look great!” Lana says, beaming at her.

“You, too,” Gwen says, and it’s true. Lana’s wearing a white long-sleeve top and a golden vest. She looks like a performer about to do a complicated routine onstage.

Even Kate shows up, to Gwen’s utter shock. Without warning, she’s there at the door, wearing a simple black dress and opal earrings.

Kate sees Gwen looking at her. “What? Are you going to say I look ugly or something?”

“No, you actually look really pretty,” Gwen admits, and for once she’s telling Kate the truth.

Kate looks confused for a second, then frowns and goes off to join the rest of the party.

By this point, Adrianna’s the only one who isn’t there yet. People are moving back and forth between different rooms. Some are hanging out on the couch, talking over the music; those who want to be able to hear normally are sitting out in the garden around the fire pit. People are talking about doing board games upstairs, too.

Gwen hangs out in the living room for a while, hoping to be there when Adri shows up. After an hour’s passed, though, she gives up and joins the outside crew.

“Welcome, Miss Marlowe,” Becca says, as she slides the door closed after her. “Are you ready for your very first foray into the world of revelry and mayhem?” She wiggles a bottle of wine. “Fair warning, we’re all a little tipsy out here.”

Gwen sits down beside her, Bonnie, and Moira. “Oh, what the hell,” she says. “Might as well get started.”

Becca pours her a cup. Gwen takes a big sip and almost chokes. She has to keep herself from spitting it back out.

“Guh!” She manages to swallow it. “What? It’s so foul!”

The liquid tastes bitter, sour, and wrong.

“It grows on you,” Becca says sagely. “Or you get to the point where you stop caring. It’s sort of like, you distract yourself from how bad it is with how bad it is, until one day you don’t care anymore.”

“There’s better and worse,” Moira comments. “I wouldn’t say what we’re drinking right now is especially high-quality.”

“My mom lets me have a glass at New Year’s,” Bonnie admits. “It does take some getting used to.”

Gwen finds pretty quickly that they’re right. She’s draining her glass steadily, just for the sake of having something to occupy her hands with. Before she knows it, it’s gone.

She heads back inside. No sign of Adrianna. Instead, it’s a dance party. Yvonne’s pushed all the couches and tables aside. Multicolored lights are spinning from the ceiling, sending red, blue and green flashes across the darkened room. Yvonne, Lana, Gal, and Pris are dancing. Yvonne seems utterly without a care, letting her long blonde hair fly loose as she moves.

Becca follows Gwen back in.

“Becc!” Yvonne shouts. “Get in on this!”

“Don’t mind if I do,” Becca says, and joins the group. Gwen notices how she’s careful about the way she moves her arm, but she still dances with casual ease, like she knows exactly what she’s doing.  Lana…

Lana dances like she’s dreaming, eyes closed, smiling faintly, giving herself over to the music with every swing of her arms.

Penny and Kate, meanwhile, are hanging out on the couch by the wall, just kind of watching.

Yvonne jumps onto her own living room table, beer cans in each hand. “Who wants to see me crush these against my leg?”

“Ooh!” Pris shouts over the music. “I do!”

Yvonne drains each one with a huge swig, left, right, then smashes the metal against her thigh

“Whoo!” That’s Pris.

Yvonne tosses the crumpled cans into a recycling bin with a basketball flair, then starts dancing on the table. She’s swinging her hips back and forth, moving her hands up and down the side of her body. She’s so casual about it. Gwen doesn’t know what to think.

Yvonne turns around and wiggles her butt in Becca’s direction.

“Stop it,” Becca says, rolling her eyes, but she jumps up and starts dancing next to Yvonne.

After another minute of this, Yvonne turns and catches sight of Gwen. “Gwen! You should dance with us! Have I mentioned how much I love that you’re here? Because I do! Come dance!”

Gwen feels frozen to the spot. “I don’t know…” She’s never been a good dancer. The last time she tried, at some middle school dance, she made a total ass of herself, flailing around like a dumbass. “I don’t think I—”

No, she’s sure all of a sudden. She’ll just embarrass herself. She should stay out of this.

Yvonne catches her eye. She hops down from the table and puts an arm around Gwen’s shoulder.

“Gwen,” she says. “Let me pass on some advice that’s been really useful for me.”

“Sure?” Gwen says, not sure where this is going.

Yvonne looks her in the eye, smiling. “Nothing’s that big a deal. Not when you get right down to it. Life is short, we all die, whatever. We might as well just have fun while we have a chance. I know it’s easy to feel like you have to be stressed out about so much stuff, school, cliques, all that. But it’s all bullshit. Let go of all that fear and just have fun. You’ll be so much happier.”

She holds out a hand. “Wanna dance?”

Gwen hesitates a second.

“Yeah, okay,” she says, and Yvonne leads her onto the dance floor.

It is fun, actually. After a minute, Gwen realizes that nobody’s paying that much attention to what she’s doing. They might cheer when she does a move, but they don’t care that much that it’s perfect. Pris’s dancing definitely isn’t. Gwen just tries to move her arms and legs the same way everybody else does.

Yvonne dances with all of them, sambaing with Becca, grooving with Pris. She takes Gwen’s hand and spins her around like a ballroom dancer. It’s great. Then it’s Lana’s turn.

Gwen has to step away after that. It’s too much, feeling the warmth of Lana’s hand is too much. She pulls back to the other side of the group.

After a while, she takes a break, exhausted. Yvonne’s still going.

The night gets later, and they all get drunker. At one point, Penny gets kind of weepy thinking about Chronopath, but she recovers. Kate’s more quiet than usual, pensive and serious.

Gwen looks at her watch. Still no sign of Adrianna.

Penny wants to play board games, so they grab a bunch of them and head upstairs, passing Yvonne and Becca on the couch.

It’s a lot quieter up here. There’s so many rooms, it’s hard to know which one to go to. But Penny finds a big lounge and they set up shop on the floor. Gwen brings the bottle of wine.

By the third game, she’s starting to lose track of what’s going on. Pris and Gal have come up to join them. Penny’s fallen asleep in her chair.

Adrianna’s not here.

Whatever. Screw her. No, that’s a little mean, but Gwen’s trying not to be disappointed.

She just wishes Adri was here.

Pris and Gal are, if anything, sillier and gigglier than ever, leaning on each other, giving each other kisses on the shoulder.

“I gotta ask, Gal,” Gwen mumbles.

Gal looks up. Even flushed, she’s serene. “Yes?”

“Why’d you join the club? There’s no hidden agenda? You’re not, like spying for your aunt?”

“No,” Gal protests. “No, not at all! She’s tried to get me to be interested in politics. But my cousins were always better at that. I just want to make art. Maybe if some of my paintings were hung in the Hull, I would be very happy. That’s all I want.”

“Then why join us? Did the Stars tell you to?” Gwen feels like she probably shouldn’t have said that last bit, but whatever.

“Kind of!” Gal says. “I know you don’t get my religion, and that’s fine. But for me it’s all connected.” She gestures with one hand. “It’s beautiful.”

“Beautiful?” What the hell is she talking about?

Gal scooches closer. “Yes! Life is beautiful, and, and people are beautiful, and we should celebrate it, all of it!” Her face looks so earnest, eyes big and bright. “That’s what the Stars are to me, a reason for all the beauty in the world. And Nightmares are beautiful in their own way, and protecting people from them is beautiful, and you’re beautiful, Gwen! Everyone in this group is! I love all of you, and I love life!”

For a moment, Gal almost loses her balance, but then she rights herself. “I think I just wanted to be part of something wonderful. That’s why.”

The game goes on, with Gal giggling and Pris poking her in the side. Gwen tries to hold on to her grasp of strategy.

“Head Chopper,” she says. She throws the card with the axe down on the table. “Sorry, Pris. You’ve got to give me half your coins.”

Pris snorts, then smirks. “You fell for my trap!” She flips over one of her cards. “Reverse Card! Now you get your head chopped! Give me half your coins!”

“Shit. Your turn, I guess.” Gwen slides them on over

“My turn,” Pris pronounces dramatically. “I play Pass Down the Line. So whatever amount Gal gives you next turn, you have to give to me, too.”

“Drinks, too?”

“Yes, your drink! That’s the rules we decided on!”

“Ugh.”

Pris rises unsteadily to her feet. “One sec. I need to pee.” Pris wobbles off.

Gwen looks around the room. It’s quieter with Pris gone. Penny’s still snoring in her armchair. Kate’s asleep on the couch.

“Whatever I give to you, you have to give to Pris,” Gal says, smiling. “Is that right?”

“Yeah, I think so—” Gwen begins.

Gal leans closer, putting a hand on Gwen’s arm. Gwen blinks, not sure what’s going on.

Gal throws her arms around Gwen and kisses her full on the lips.

What?

Gal lets go.

“Gal, I can’t—” But Gwen doesn’t know anymore. The kiss felt nice.

“It’s okay,” Gal says, smiling, and kisses her again.

This time Gwen doesn’t try to pull away. She just lets herself enjoy it. Gal kisses her a third time, then finally lets go.

“Give those to Pris for me, okay?”

“I—” Gwen doesn’t know what to say.

Pris comes back pretty shortly afterward. Gal smiles up at her. Gwen just sits there, dizzy.

Pris glances at Gwen. It’s a long look. “Everything okay?”

Gal looks expectantly at Gwen.

“Yeah, everything’s good,” Gwen says, though her heart is pounding. She kind of hates herself right now. “Let’s just get back to the game.”

They finish up the round, but it doesn’t seem like anyone wants to play another. Gwen’s heart definitely isn’t in it anymore. She gets up and leaves the room.

The music is still coming up from downstairs. Gwen’s head is spinning. She stumbles down the hallway, trying to brace herself against the wall.

What did she just let herself do?

She kissed Gal. Or Gal kissed her. And she let it happen.

She just betrayed Adrianna.

Gwen doesn’t know what to think anymore. She’s not that kind of person, is she?

Maybe she is.

What’ll happen if Adrianna finds out? What if Pris finds out? Was Pris looking at her and judging her?

How unfair is this? That after all this time worrying about Lana, it was Gal she ended up ruining everything for?

Gwen’s drunk right now, but even she knows she’s not the same person anymore, that she’s done something she can’t take back.

Fuck it. She’s ruined her life anyway. She might as well go after what she really wanted.

She sneaks downstairs. Becca and Yvonne are lying on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket together. Other people are hanging out outside.

She doesn’t find who she’s looking for, so she goes back upstairs.

Lana’s in a room down the hall that turns out to be a library. She’s looking through Yvonne’s parents’ book collection.

“Hey!” she says, smiling.

“Hey,” Gwen says. She feels insane, off-kilter, spinning on a broken wheel. If she doesn’t ask now she probably never will.

“Did you mean it?” Gwen asks. She moves closer to Lana. “When you said you had a crush on me?”

Lana looks startled. “Yeah,” she says, after second. “Yeah, I did.”

“Do you still have a crush on me?” Gwen asks.

Lana looks at her for a second.

A very long second.

“Yeah, I do.” Lana seems nervous to even speak. “I think you’re really pretty and cool.”

Gwen brushes hair out of her eyes. “That’s really—” Her heart is thumping fast. “That’s really nice. People don’t usually say that kind of thing to me. I don’t think the people at school when I was growing up ever thought I was pretty.”

“Well, those people were wrong,” Lana says. “Because it’s true.”

Gwen takes a breath. “Thanks. You should know, the same is true about you.”

“Thanks,” Lana says, smiling nervously.

Gwen walks closer to Lana. “You know something?”

“Yeah?”

“I kind of think I have a crush on you, too.”

Gwen puts her arms over Lana’s shoulders. Lana blinks at her.

“Can I say thank you? For being so nice to me?” She’s never said things like that, but somehow the words are coming from inside her.

Lana hesitates.

“That sounds nice,” she says.

Gwen kisses her. After a moment, Lana kisses back.

They lean against the wall, then against the side of the couch. Then they slide onto the couch.

“Let’s close the door,” Gwen says breathlessly. She gets up from the couch.

Lana looks at her. “Gwen, wait,” she says. Her brow’s creased. “Are you sure about this?”

“I’m sure,” Gwen says, closing the door.

“What about Adrianna?” Lana asks.

Gwen slides back in towards Lana. “It’s okay,” she says. “She’ll understand.”

After a moment, Lana pulls Gwen closer to her.

Then she’s sliding Lana’s shirt off, feeling Lana’s muscles holding her, taking refuge in her embrace.

☾

When they finally get up, Gwen has no idea how late it is. She slides her bra back on, flushed and breathless.

“You’re so beautiful,” Lana whispers.

“You too,” Gwen murmurs.

Lana looks worried. “Maybe we shouldn’t have—”

“It’s fine,” Gwen says, pulling her dress back around her shoulders. “Don’t worry, okay?” She pats Lana’s knee.

They make themselves presentable. Gwen opens the door, and leads Lana out into the hallway.

“Gwen—!” a voice begins, and then breaks off.

It’s Adrianna, wearing a nice red top and black slacks.

She’s staring at the two of them. Staring hard.

And suddenly Gwen’s aware of how flushed and red the two of them are, how they’re standing right next to each other, how her hair and Lana’s hair is all messed up, and Lana’s shirt is all rumpled.

“I, um.” Adrianna seems lost for words. “I was looking for you, they said you were upstairs? I got done with my work and my homework, I mean, mostly done, and I thought, sure, it’s late, but we don’t have anything tomorrow, so I thought, I’d come by—”

Gwen has to do something. She has to salvage this.

“I’m really glad!” she blurts out. She steps away from Lana, and grabs hold of Adrianna’s hand. “I’m glad you’re here.”

And she is, she’s glad to see Adrianna but her heart’s pounding right now, but she really does mean it, and now all she can think about is how much she loves Adrianna and how she doesn’t want to lose her and what has she done, what has she done—

She kisses Adrianna on the lips, throwing all the feelings she’s feeling into it, really hoping that will be enough.

Adrianna looks confused when they pull away. “I’m glad you’re here, too,” she says slowly. She looks at Gwen, like she’s trying to figure out what box she fits into.

Then a normal Adrianna smile returns.

“Sorry I kept you waiting,” she says.

“It’s fine,” Gwen says. “I think Bonnie and Moira are still out by the fire pit if you want to go say hi.”

“Sure, okay.”

“Lana, want to come, too?” Gwen feels like her voice is way too bright.

“Um, sure,” Lana says. She runs a hand through her short hair. She’s looking everywhere but at Adrianna.

“Great!”

Gwen doesn’t remember the rest of what happens that night. Only sitting at the fire beside Adrianna, who’s talking and laughing with the others like nothing is wrong.

Like nothing is wrong.

Everything is fine, right?

She doesn’t know, does she? Adrianna’s sitting there and talking and that’s all Gwen can think about. Because if she knew, things would be so much worse, right? She’d break up with her?

Adrianna doesn’t know.

She can’t possibly know.

☾

Gwen wakes up the next morning feeling like someone’s driven a bolt into her brain.

She groans and pulls herself free of the covers. She blinks in the sunlight.

Then the horror of what she’s done comes back to her.

Fuck. What did she do? Why did she double down? Why did she have to go and make everything so much worse? She kissed two different people.

Fuck.

She wants to go away forever. She wants to not have to think about this anymore. She wants the sledgehammer hitting her skull to bash her brains out.

“Is something wrong, Gwen?” Miracle says, sitting up on her pillow.

“No,” Gwen says, staring at the wall. “Everything’s fine.”

☾

Gwen gets to lunch, and there’s Adrianna, smiling and waving her over to the table like always.

They kiss, and there’s nothing about it that seems off. Gwen settles into the seat next to Adri. Adri squeezes her hand. Just like always.

Adrianna seems normal. She’s talking with Becca and Yvonne about the party. But nothing comes up. She doesn’t mention Gwen’s little late-night disappearance.

Everything seems fine between her and Gwen. When she talks to Gwen, there isn’t a hint of doubt or suspicion in her eyes.

It’s like it didn’t even happen.

Relief washes over her. She starts to relax.

Adri really, genuinely, doesn’t know.

Not that this does anything about Gwen’s guilty conscience. What she did eats at her throughout the rest of the lunch. As a result, she doesn’t say much. Just sits there and lets Aubrey and Becca and the others have their conversation.  

Gwen guesses she wasn’t much of a talker in the first place, because no one seems to notice.

Adri notices, though. Once they’ve left the big group. “Are you feeling okay, Gwen?”

“Headache,” Gwen tells her. Which is true enough. “Think I’m going to head home after class and lie down.”

Adrianna’s quiet for a second.

“Yeah, we stayed up pretty late,” she says. She squeezes Gwen’s hand. “You go home and get some rest, okay?”

Shit. Gwen hates this. Hates the fact Adri’s so nice, when Gwen doesn’t deserve it.

“Yeah,” Gwen says. “Yeah, I will.”

Gwen knows she’s lying. She’s not going home.

She needs to talk to Lana. Needs to see her, get some closure about what they did. That’s the only way she can figure this out.

That’s the only way things will make sense again.

☾

Gwen rings the doorbell with her heart pounding.

And it’s Lana, standing there at the door, in a blue tank top and jeans.

For a moment they’re just standing there, looking at each other.

“Hi,” Lana says, in a voice like she doesn’t know how to use it.

“Hi,” Gwen says. She swallows. “We should probably talk, huh?”

“Yeah,” Lana says. She rubs her eyes. “Yeah, come in, come in.”

Lana’s family’s place is sterile, like a boring office. Abstract paintings on the walls and black and white furniture. Once they get upstairs, though, the décor changes. Gwen sees Lana’s hung colorful banners and posters in some of the rooms.

They sit down across from each other. Couch and chair.

“I, um…” Gwen tries to begin, but can’t quite say it. “We…

“Yeah.”

“But we shouldn’t—”

“We shouldn’t,” Lana echoes.

They sit there, looking at each other.

“I shouldn’t have pressured you,” Lana says. “I was so overbearing, telling you about my crush, and—

Gwen’s shocked. “No, no—it was all me. You didn’t do anything—”

“But I—”

Gwen seizes Lana’s hand. “I liked doing those things with you,” she says. It feels like her heart’s racing away from her. “I asked because I wanted to do them with you.” Her whole body feels like an explosion, her thoughts flying apart into splinters.  “Don’t—don’t regret that part of it, okay?”

Lana looks at her seriously. “Okay.”

“I liked you telling me about your crush,” Gwen says. “It was nice, okay? Thinking there could actually be someone out there who had a crush on me.”

“I did,” Lana says. She rubs her head. “I do.”

“Nobody thinks I’m pretty,” Gwen says. “Nobody thinks I’m all that much of anything. Except you and Adrianna.”

“That’s insane,” Lana says. “You’re amazing.”

Gwen’s heart is thumping. “It’s nice.” She tries to meet Lana’s eyes. “Being around someone who’ll say that kind of thing to me. It’s different with you than it is with Adrianna.”

Gwen wrestles for the right words. “Don’t—I don’t want to give off the wrong impression. Adri’s wonderful. She’s so kind, and generous, and such a good leader.”

“She is,” Lana says.

“But sometimes she can get so…so worried and stressed. You wouldn’t know it at first glance, but it’s true. And she has family problems, Lana, bad problems she doesn’t even talk about. She gets so intense and I don’t know if I’m even helping her, and. And sometimes I just get…worn out. You know?”

“Sure,” Lana says.

“I’m always taking care of her, letting her lean on me, but I don’t get that the other direction. Sometimes I…”

Gwen finds she’s crying. “Sometimes it’s like, when do I get someone to lean on? When do I get to be the one who’s taken care of?”

Lana’s hand is pulling hers, pulling her from the chair.

And suddenly she’s wrapped Gwen up in a tight hug.

Gwen holds her as close as she can. She slides onto the couch beside Lana, burying her face in Lana’s shoulder.

“And she’s not there,” Gwen says. “It’d be one thing if she was around more, but I keep…needing her, and she’s not there.”

She looks up into Lana’s eyes. Lana’s expression is soft and warm. Her freckles are spread out on her face like a blanket.

“I’m sorry,” Gwen says. “I shouldn’t be saying this stuff, I—”

Lana kisses her.

It’s a gentle, tender kiss, like the ones they shared last night.

When they pull away, Lana’s looking into her eyes.

“I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you,” Lana says. “Both of you.” Her arms are still around Gwen’s waist. “You shouldn’t…you shouldn’t have to feel like that. You shouldn’t have to be lonely.”

Gwen’s silent.

She came here planning to apologize to Lana.  To tell her she wouldn’t ask her to do these things anymore.

Now she doesn’t know.

“I used to fantasize about you liking me,” Lana confesses. “I’d see you talking in front of the group, and I’d imagine asking you to dance.”

“And what would I say?” Gwen asks. “When you asked me?”

“You wouldn’t say anything. You’d just hold out your hand. Like this.”

Gwen’s hand slips into Lana’s.

“You’d let me lead you to the dance floor. And you’d smile at me.” Lana shakes her head. “But this is different. Back then, I was just happy to think you might notice me. But if I could take care of you…if I could make your life just a little bit happier…” Lana holds her. “That would mean so much to me.”

Gwen’s breath catches.

For a second, she’s in between. Doesn’t know if she’s going forward or back.

Then Gwen kisses Lana hard on the lips.

She’s done running away. Done pretending. If she’s messed things up for herself, she might as well get some happiness out of it. Life is short, like Yvonne said. She needs this. And Lana loves her, and she loves Lana, and what’s wrong with love, anyway?

She loves two people. Lana and Adrianna.

Gwen lets herself get lost in Lana’s arms.

They lie down together on the couch. A few minutes pass blissfully.

“I don’t—” Lana whispers in her ear. “I don’t want to come off wrong, either. I still love Adrianna.”

Gwen nods. “It’s okay,” she says. “Me, too.”

Lana strokes Gwen’s hair. “I don’t want this to get back to her. I don’t want to hurt her.”

“We don’t have to tell anyone,” Gwen says. “We can keep it secret if we want to.”

Lana nods slowly. “No one else has to be involved. Not the club or our families or anyone.”

Gwen nods. “It can just be for us.”

Gwen curls up against Lana’s chest, head against her chin. Lana strokes her hair, slowly, gently, fingers moving against the back of Gwen’s neck. Gwen leans into the touch.

For the first time in a long time, she feels all the way okay.  

☾

Gwen’s back at school, sitting in Classics, wondering what the hell she’s doing.

Can she really keep this up? Dating Adrianna and sort of dating Lana at the same time?

The thing is, though—

Nobody seems to have noticed.

Adrianna hasn’t picked up on anything. None of the other club members have, either.

And Gwen’s been doing a good job of scheduling the Lana hangouts so they don’t interfere with doing homework with Adrianna. She’s still volunteering in the Low City with Lana, like she keeps telling Adri. It’s just that some of those times she’s making out with Lana too.

Of course she still loves Adrianna, Adrianna’s great, in fact she’s being more sweet and lovey than ever, it’s just that Gwen needs a break sometimes from talking about classes and club business, and Lana restores her energy. It’s helping her and Adri’s relationship, actually, because when she gets back from Lana’s, she’s more present, hanging out with Adri, better at supporting her, a better listener. The time away, it’s good for them. It’s a good system.

It’s working. She’s getting to have both of them.

Except there’s a knot in her stomach every time she thinks about meeting her girlfriend for lunch.

It’s fine.

She can deal with it.

☾

The bell rings, class done. Gwen shuffles to her next class. She’s passing the water fountains near the main library when she hears something strange.

It sounds like…crying?

It sounds familiar

Gwen follows the source down one of the side hallways.

“Trisha?”

Her friend is there, sitting on a bench. Her eyes are red. She looks up when Gwen approaches.

“Trish—”

Trisha gets up fast, not looking at Gwen, and runs.

It’s a second before Gwen gets over her surprise. She runs after Trish, but the halls are a maze.

By the time she makes it a few hallways down, Trisha is already gone.

☾

Gwen finds Charlie in her usual seat for Navigation. It’s almost time for class to begin. Trisha’s seat is empty.

“Hey,” Gwen whispers. “Have you seen Trish around?”

Charlie shakes her head. “Not for a few days. You?”

Gwen hesitates. “Did she tell you about the stuff with her and Isaac?”

Charlie nods, looking sad. “Yeah.”

“If you see her at all, can you reach out to her? I thought I saw her crying in the hall.”

“Oh no!” Charlie’s eyes go wide. “Yes. I definitely will.”

The teacher shushes them. Gwen tries to look attentive.

Class begins, and the teacher starts talking about…something. Gwen doesn’t know.

She can’t pay any attention to the lecture right now.

☾

Trisha isn’t at lunch, either. Gwen tells Adri, with their usual lunchmates listening. She very definitely doesn’t mention the Isaac stuff.

Adrianna looks concerned. “I’ll try calling her. If we don’t hear back, Yvonne and I will go looking.”

“For the sake of your club?” Aubry asks.

Adrianna shakes her head. “For Trisha. We can’t see one of our own club members hurting and not help her.”

Gwen’s heart aches.

Sometimes she really does love Adrianna.

That thought sends her down a guilty line of thinking. She gulps down a big bite of her sandwich.

Adri puts her hand on her shoulder. “It’s going to be okay. We’ll help her.”

Gwen looks up at her. “Yeah,” she says, trying her best to smile.

☾

Gwen’s halfway down the hall to her next class.

That’s when it happens.

A sound like an explosion goes off nearby.

The hallway shakes. Gwen falls down onto the hard tile. So do a lot of other people.

Gwen stumbles back to her feet. She hears shouting. Voices raised, not far off.

One of them’s Trisha.

She runs.

When Gwen gets there, a crowd’s already starting to gather.

People look scared.

Trisha’s standing in the center of the circle of people. She’s wearing her red armor. She’s drawn back her bow, notched it with a burning arrow.

There’s a crater in the hallway tile, still smoking.

A tall, well-dressed girl is on the ground next to it. Gwen doesn’t know her. But she can guess who she is.

Marcia Dekker.

Gwen looks for Isaac, and sees him trying to disappear behind Trisha.

“That was a warning shot,” Trisha says, in a voice trembling with rage.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Marcia Dekker screams.

“Trish—” Gwen says, coming up to her.

Trisha holds up a hand. “Gwen, don’t. This is my fight. Her and me.”

“You’re insane!” Marica screams. “Psychotic!”

Trish is trembling with rage. “Marica Dekker,” she snarls. “For a year and a half, you’ve abused Isaac Olm. You’ve insulted him. Belittled him. Attacked him in front of your friends. Is there anyone, anyone at all here who denies that’s true?”

There are murmurs in the crowd.

“You’re a monster,” Trisha says. She aims the bow at Marcia’s face.  “This is your last warning. Break off your engagement with Isaac. Then leave him alone.” She lifts the bow and points it at Marcia’s face.

At the edge of the crowd, Gwen sees one of the school administrators. She’s on the phone, clearly talking to someone. Her eyes are locked on Trisha.

Marcia spits at Trisha’s feet.

“Fuck you!” she screams. “You crazy bitch!”

“I’m warning you—”

Marcia laughs, a crazed hollow laugh. “You slut, you just want him for yourself, don’t you? I don’t have to do anything you say.”

The arrow goes right by her head. It breaks one of the lights on the ceiling, showering sparks. People scream and move out of the way.

Marcia’s eyes go wide as Trisha rushes her.

Trisha punches Marcia in the face. Marcia recovers and tries to grab Trisha’s hair. Trisha dodges and slams the bow into her face.

Marcia screams. It’s a horrible, pained scream. There’s steam rising off her face where the bow touched her.

Trisha lands on top of her. She knees Marcia in the stomach, then lifts her bow again.

Trisha holds a flaming arrow half an inch from Marcia’s nose.

“Say it!” Trisha roars, driving her knee further into the girl’s stomach. “You’ll never speak to him again!”

Marcia’s wide-eyed now. She looks terrified.

“Now!” Trisha growls. Red light is streaming off her armor, like tongues of flame.

“I’ll break it off,” Marcia babbles. “I’ll leave him alone, I’ll do whatever you say, I promise, just stop, please!”

Trisha stares Marcia down.

For a moment, Gwen thinks she’s going to actually kill her.

Then Trisha lowers her bow.

“You heard her promise,” she says to the crowd. “You heard her!”

There are murmurs of agreement.

Trisha gets to her feet. “Get out of my sight,” she says.

Trisha’s weapon disappears. Marcia scrambles upright.

“Trisha Jonson?” a voice says.

It’s the administrator. With her are a group of uniformed security officers.

“Yes?” Trisha says, in a quiet voice.

“You are hereby expelled from High City Preparatory Academy.”

Gwen’s heart stops. She sees the reaction go through the crowd.

“No!” Trisha cries. “You don’t understand, she’s abusing her fiancé—” 

“Assaulting a fellow student,” the woman says. “According to the first page of the Student Code, grounds for expulsion.”

The security officers move closer. Trisha backs away.

Gwen can see the thought in her eyes. Does she summon the bow?

What happens if she tries to defend herself?

“She’s a bully!” Trisha’s pleading now. “She’s hurting him! You have to understand!”

The administrator ignores her. “In addition,” she says. “I have a message from the Captain herself.”

She reads the words from her device. “It gives me great pleasure to issue a restraining order against Ms. Jonson in regard to my niece.”

She meets Trisha’s eyes. “You are no longer welcome on school grounds.  You will be permitted to meet with your group, but only outside of school property, and only before combat. Step within a mile of my niece, and you’ll face criminal charges.”

“And if you go anywhere near her fiancé, or he goes anywhere near you, I will personally make sure you’re in prison for the rest of your life.”

The administrator lowers her phone. “Please escort Ms. Johnson from the building.”

“No!” Trisha screams. “Isaac! Isaac!” She tries to reach for him. The red bow appears in her hand—

But before she can draw it, arms grab her. Two security officers. Trisha tries to break the hold, but she can’t get free. The bow vanishes.

“Trisha!” Isaac screams, running towards her. “Trisha!”

An officer grabs him, pulls him back, away from her.

Marcia Dekker has the most horrible smile on her face. She walks over to Isaac.

“Isaac!” Trisha screams. “Isaac!” Her armor’s glowing, but the men are still holding onto her.

“Trisha!” Gwen cries.

She runs for her. She’s summoning her armor, her sword. This is her friend, this is Trisha they’re talking about, she can’t let them do this to her—

Arms grab Gwen, too. Gwen can’t get free—she can’t get to Trisha, she can’t reach her—

Trisha’s sobbing. They’re trying to drag her away, but she’s desperately resisting, kicking her feet against the ground. She tries to run, but can only scream.

“Isaac!” she screams. “Isaac!” She tries to reach for him.

He tries to reach, too. But he’s too far away. Marcia and the officers are dragging him back through the crowd.

Trisha’s moan becomes a laugh. A sick, empty laugh.

“Ha—ha—”

That’s all Gwen can hear. Just that horrible laughter.

“Haaaa—”

Trisha stops. She makes a weird noise, like she’s gagging.

“Hhhh—”

Trisha coughs. She keeps coughing.

Cough. Cough.

A gear falls out of her mouth.

The gear lands on the hard tile with a clink. It bounces once. Then it rolls across the floor in an arc.

It finally comes to rest at Gwen’s feet.

Trisha stares at the gear. Confused.

Then her mouth opens. Her head’s thrown back, at an angle a neck shouldn’t be at.

Golden beams erupt out of her mouth.

They unfold like limbs, her body opening like a book. The beams push aside the security guards, they curve, they reach for Isaac and Marcia Dekker.

The sound of the explosion earlier is nothing compared to the roaring Gwen hears now.

The roof of the building caves in. The walls fold out and fall away. Trisha rises, arms and legs bending into golden circles, as Isaac and Marcia are pulled toward the red mist that was once Trisha’s body.

The red mist surges towards Gwen.

Then that’s all she can see.